Love and relationships are fragile things. One false move or unkind word could change everything and often does. Even if the person forgives you, they may still remember it and bring it up (often) even 10 years later.
I found someone amazing, someone I really liked. But now it looks like things are already over, back to square one. Just when it had barely begun--and was looking very promising, I might add.
Life is so fragile, and so are people's feelings. I am learning more and more how fragile and delicate relationships are. People need to be encouraged and built up, and relationships need to be strengthened if they're going to last. They really are a lot of work, and will die if you don't take care of and nurture them.
And time does not go backward, only forward. The world does not stop turning just because you have a broken heart. You can't go back to something you said or they said and just erase it. But wouldn't it be nice if you could? If only. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to do better, and pray that God gives us the wisdom we need to make the right decisions.
Once again, I am waiting for God to make things clear to me, and I wish that just once I could find something stable, something I could count on that won't let me down... but then I remember...I do have that...
It's Him.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
True Life: Waiting
Waiting is hard.
What's harder than delaying gratification is the uncertainty--simply not knowing if what or who you are waiting for even exists, is even possible, is even out there somewhere, somehow.
Yes, I am talking about finding a godly man.
Sometimes, driving home on the freeway, I would seriously look out at all the cars (not hard to do in bumper to bumper traffic) and ask myself (and God), "Is it possible? In all of Orange County, is there even one godly man?" And then I would say, "Seriously, God! Come on! There must be ONE! If there is, will you please show me??? Will you please bring us together??" No answer. But somehow I knew He heard me... He always hears me.
And I don't want to settle. God, help me not to settle! I pray God makes me into the godly woman He wants me to be...someone who will be an excellent wife and mother...in the meantime, I hope He is preparing someone for me...And that is what faith is...waiting and hoping, even though you're not sure, even though you don't get it and it doesn't make sense and you're screaming at the top of your lungs "GOD, DO YOU HEAR ME????"
"Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." - Romans 8: 24-26
What's harder than delaying gratification is the uncertainty--simply not knowing if what or who you are waiting for even exists, is even possible, is even out there somewhere, somehow.
Yes, I am talking about finding a godly man.
Sometimes, driving home on the freeway, I would seriously look out at all the cars (not hard to do in bumper to bumper traffic) and ask myself (and God), "Is it possible? In all of Orange County, is there even one godly man?" And then I would say, "Seriously, God! Come on! There must be ONE! If there is, will you please show me??? Will you please bring us together??" No answer. But somehow I knew He heard me... He always hears me.
And I don't want to settle. God, help me not to settle! I pray God makes me into the godly woman He wants me to be...someone who will be an excellent wife and mother...in the meantime, I hope He is preparing someone for me...And that is what faith is...waiting and hoping, even though you're not sure, even though you don't get it and it doesn't make sense and you're screaming at the top of your lungs "GOD, DO YOU HEAR ME????"
"Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." - Romans 8: 24-26
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
True Life: Morning
Morning
Sunlight dances all around your face
Eyes shining, reflecting the sun
Dreams barely fading from memory
A brand new day.
Reflections of hopes, nearly forgotten
Still linger
Slightly breaking through
The cracks--
Blank slate
Blank check
For a million happinesses,
Till I see the writing on the wall
Noon's ugly shadow
Casting a veil
Over the newness--
Reality.
Sunlight dances all around your face
Eyes shining, reflecting the sun
Dreams barely fading from memory
A brand new day.
Reflections of hopes, nearly forgotten
Still linger
Slightly breaking through
The cracks--
Blank slate
Blank check
For a million happinesses,
Till I see the writing on the wall
Noon's ugly shadow
Casting a veil
Over the newness--
Reality.
Monday, May 10, 2010
True Life: Blue Box
Blue box
Cascading memories
Swirling, drowning
Picasso’s blue period
Blue moon, standing alone
I keep you hidden
Tucked away
Your smile fades
Your words fall flat
Your touch melts
Whirlpools, floods,
Rivers flow
Tears stream
Blue blood
Flows in my veins
Close the lid
Tuck it away
Forget,
But never forget
Let go,
But hold on tighter,
Release,
But never release
Everything tragic
Everything beautiful
Only slightly contained;
Blue box.
Cascading memories
Swirling, drowning
Picasso’s blue period
Blue moon, standing alone
I keep you hidden
Tucked away
Your smile fades
Your words fall flat
Your touch melts
Whirlpools, floods,
Rivers flow
Tears stream
Blue blood
Flows in my veins
Close the lid
Tuck it away
Forget,
But never forget
Let go,
But hold on tighter,
Release,
But never release
Everything tragic
Everything beautiful
Only slightly contained;
Blue box.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
True Life: Pipe Dreams
Pipe dreams.
That is what people call your dream when it is impossible, or seemingly so to them. You want to be an actor. You want to be an artist, or an author, or a trapeze artist. But people will tell you, "No, no, you can't do that!" You have to be practical. Become a doctor or a lawyer, or a business man. You have to be practical, they say.
But what about when you are standing in front of a beautiful painting, and it makes you feel a certain way.... you know, like you can do anything...... like anything is possible. Like there is still something good and beauitful and meaningful in the world. It isn't all just bland and boring and mundane.
Or what about when you hear a beautiful or touching piece of music, and it changes your life? Literally stops you in your tracks, because the words speak directly to your heart, or your situation at the moment? Isn't it true that someone painted that piece, someone wrote that music? If being creative is always just a "pipe dream", and we don't really need the arts, then why do we crave it so much? Why does it touch us so? Could it be, perhaps, because we were made by a creative God, a Creator God who Himself loves to make things, loves variety and imagination?
Don't let your "pipe dream" die. If you are passionate about something, why supress it? Could it be that the very reason you were made was to be just who you are? That you shouldn't supress the passions and dreams inside you?
Can you tell I was really inspired this weekend by going to the LA County Mueseum of Art?? Haha.
I'm going to go paint.
That is what people call your dream when it is impossible, or seemingly so to them. You want to be an actor. You want to be an artist, or an author, or a trapeze artist. But people will tell you, "No, no, you can't do that!" You have to be practical. Become a doctor or a lawyer, or a business man. You have to be practical, they say.
But what about when you are standing in front of a beautiful painting, and it makes you feel a certain way.... you know, like you can do anything...... like anything is possible. Like there is still something good and beauitful and meaningful in the world. It isn't all just bland and boring and mundane.
Or what about when you hear a beautiful or touching piece of music, and it changes your life? Literally stops you in your tracks, because the words speak directly to your heart, or your situation at the moment? Isn't it true that someone painted that piece, someone wrote that music? If being creative is always just a "pipe dream", and we don't really need the arts, then why do we crave it so much? Why does it touch us so? Could it be, perhaps, because we were made by a creative God, a Creator God who Himself loves to make things, loves variety and imagination?
Don't let your "pipe dream" die. If you are passionate about something, why supress it? Could it be that the very reason you were made was to be just who you are? That you shouldn't supress the passions and dreams inside you?
Can you tell I was really inspired this weekend by going to the LA County Mueseum of Art?? Haha.
I'm going to go paint.
Friday, May 7, 2010
On Money and Independence
The love of money is the root of all evil. Not money itself, mind you, but the love of it. God has told us this, and we would be wise to heed His warning. Chasing after riches is like chasing after the wind. It doesn't get you anywhere, and you will not end up fulfilled by it.
However
We all need it. And it seems so difficult to come by, especially in this "bad" economy. Bad in quotations because compared to most of the rest of the world, we are still doing pretty amazing. Most of us have shoes and more than one outfit to wear, which automatically puts us ahead of many other countries as far as wealth.
So I am very thankful to have shoes to keep my feet from being cut by rocks, to keep diseases from infiltrating my body and leaving me sick and ailing.
However
Sometimes I still get tired, and feel like I am running in circles just trying to make a dollar. I have managed to keep two jobs for a consistent amount of time over the past couple of years. But the permanence of each actually proved only to be temporary, since our economy has gone sour and cutbacks have been needed.
This little problem of mine could be solved easily enough. I could move back home (Nor Cal) and into my parents' house. Sure, my room would be the small room that part of the garage was converted into - the one my parents use as an office/school room. Sure, I wouldn't have to worry about paying rent or buying food (OK, let's face it - I'd still buy a lot of my own food, eating out with friends, etc). It sounds like a good option, maybe
However
There goes my independence. Or what I perceive as independence. And then, the adventure ends. And honestly, am I ready for the adventure to end? No. I still want to experience new things, meet new people, see new places I've never seen. I still want to go to Israel with my church, the church I've been going to for the past 5 years, the church I still really love.
However
This nagging feeling I have when I consider going home never really goes away. Whenever I talk to my little 12-year-old brother Matthew and he says "I see Josh (his best friend) more than I see you" it hurts a little. Whenever a major holiday rolls around and everyone is spending time with their family, it hurts a little. Every Sunday when everyone talks about having a family BBQ or get-together, it's hard to hear.
But isn't this what growing up means, this independence? Or should I sacrifice that again, for a time, in the name of being practical? No matter which way I turn, I will miss someone. If I leave So Cal behind, it will break my heart. Seeing that Matthew is growing up without me, spending each birthday without me, missing me and wanting me with him, is breaking my heart too.
However
Everything is for a season. And right now, this season of independence is not over. Not yet.
Not unless God changes my mind and my heart. Only time will tell. For now, I will work every temp job I can get, deliver as many papers as I can, housesit and petsit as much as I can, babysit every chance I get, and do whatever it takes to be independent and free, because this is what growing up is.
And I'm turning 25 soon, so yeah, that makes me an adult. Geez, being grown up is expensive.
However
We all need it. And it seems so difficult to come by, especially in this "bad" economy. Bad in quotations because compared to most of the rest of the world, we are still doing pretty amazing. Most of us have shoes and more than one outfit to wear, which automatically puts us ahead of many other countries as far as wealth.
So I am very thankful to have shoes to keep my feet from being cut by rocks, to keep diseases from infiltrating my body and leaving me sick and ailing.
However
Sometimes I still get tired, and feel like I am running in circles just trying to make a dollar. I have managed to keep two jobs for a consistent amount of time over the past couple of years. But the permanence of each actually proved only to be temporary, since our economy has gone sour and cutbacks have been needed.
This little problem of mine could be solved easily enough. I could move back home (Nor Cal) and into my parents' house. Sure, my room would be the small room that part of the garage was converted into - the one my parents use as an office/school room. Sure, I wouldn't have to worry about paying rent or buying food (OK, let's face it - I'd still buy a lot of my own food, eating out with friends, etc). It sounds like a good option, maybe
However
There goes my independence. Or what I perceive as independence. And then, the adventure ends. And honestly, am I ready for the adventure to end? No. I still want to experience new things, meet new people, see new places I've never seen. I still want to go to Israel with my church, the church I've been going to for the past 5 years, the church I still really love.
However
This nagging feeling I have when I consider going home never really goes away. Whenever I talk to my little 12-year-old brother Matthew and he says "I see Josh (his best friend) more than I see you" it hurts a little. Whenever a major holiday rolls around and everyone is spending time with their family, it hurts a little. Every Sunday when everyone talks about having a family BBQ or get-together, it's hard to hear.
But isn't this what growing up means, this independence? Or should I sacrifice that again, for a time, in the name of being practical? No matter which way I turn, I will miss someone. If I leave So Cal behind, it will break my heart. Seeing that Matthew is growing up without me, spending each birthday without me, missing me and wanting me with him, is breaking my heart too.
However
Everything is for a season. And right now, this season of independence is not over. Not yet.
Not unless God changes my mind and my heart. Only time will tell. For now, I will work every temp job I can get, deliver as many papers as I can, housesit and petsit as much as I can, babysit every chance I get, and do whatever it takes to be independent and free, because this is what growing up is.
And I'm turning 25 soon, so yeah, that makes me an adult. Geez, being grown up is expensive.
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